Since the Day You Left.

It was a bit after 4 a.m on September 1st when I got a call from my dad with the news that you were gone..Dad had been trying to call me for a little over an hour, but I was passed out from a night of partying. I woke up to Russell saying, “Amber, your dad is calling you.” I rolled over and answered my phone, still not in the right state of mind yet. He told me that you were gone.. I did not believe him. I remember the first part of this phone conversation because that is when my heart broke, everything from then on was a blur.

I wanted to come straight home, but I still was not sober enough to drive, none of us were. So I waited until about 9 a.m to get up and start my trek home. from 4 a.m to 9 a.m I sat bawling off and on in the arms of Russell. Dad told me to go back to sleep after we got off the phone, but how could anyone sleep after hearing that their brother was no longer with us. I didn’t sleep for over 36 hours. I did not eat either. I was not tired, I was not hungry. I was just numb.

When I finally got back home, there was already so much family at my parents house. I am not sure if I liked this or not.. my feelings were so..weird.. for the first few days. I couldn’t tell if I wanted to be alone, or wanted everyone around me to hug me and help heal my shattered heart.

Like I said, I was so numb. Things were so blury for me. But yet, I remember certain parts of the week so vividly. I remember mostly how empty I felt inside like I was missing something, missing you.

There are still days when I cannot believe you are gone, I can’t get it through my mind HOW you could be gone. But you are. And we all miss you so very much. I cannot imagine the pain you were in, and I am so sorry that this world put you through so much. But I want to thank you for being in my life for as long as you were. It was not enough time together, but I cannot be selfish because I got to spend 20 years with you as my brother and as my best friend, and I am blessed to be able to say that much.

Thank you for teaching me to be stubborn, teaching me to be sarcastic, and teaching me how to be strong. Growing up with you and Chris as my older brothers, I had to learn how to be strong quick if I wanted to run with you guys.

Thank you for always listening to me, you were the one person I could always open up to about anything, no matter the situation. Good or bad. There’s been a few times
this past year when I have really needed you, and I hope you were listening to me.

Thank you for being my protector. Having you and Christopher in my life growing up is the greatest blessing of all, because you both were always there for me and looking out for me, even when I did not think I needed it at times. Chris is still protecting me from down here, and I know that you are probably still looking out for me, shaking your head a little and watching me go through life.

Thank you for being you. I hope that everyone got to see the side of you that I will always remember. Not just the sarcastic ass-like side that most of us loved. But also the caring side of you that would do anything for anyone! You loved hanging with mom’s daycare kids, you would play games with them, fight with them, read to them and pick on them. You were such an awesome man. And it saddens me that you will never be able to play the role as an uncle for my future children.

I miss you like crazy, and wish more than anything for another minute with you. I know your pain is gone, and I am still working on the pain that you left for me. But I will get there, my heart will never be the same. But if I like it or not, I am learning how to live this life without you physically here with us.

One last thing—this has in every way been the hardest year of my life. But I need you to know, and I am sure you do already, that I forgive you big brother.

I forgive you for thinking that your pain was not fixable here on Earth, I forgive you for not coming to me more, I forgive you for leaving me.

and I forgive myself for everything I could not do for you.

Thank you for watching over me. loving me. and being my heavenly brother.

I love you always and have missed you every second since the day you left.

Your baby sista.

Derek Lowell Hopkins
8/27/1993 – 8/31/2017

 

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