Oh, Brother…

Trying to stay focused and get back on track to school, but my mind and heart keeps wandering back to you, It hasn’t hit me yet that I miss you, but it hits me when I think of all that you are going to miss in days, weeks, months and years to come.

Your baby sister is turning 21 soon, and you won’t be there to celebrate and have our first completely legal beer together… I always thought about what kind of party my 21st would be like, and I always expected to be celebrating that day with both my brothers… You taught me a lot growing up, and you would even tell everyone that you are the one who taught me how to drink. I got in trouble drinking for the first time with you when I was a 7th grader…but you never once told on me. You stuck up for me and said it was all you, and I wasn’t involved…of course I still got in trouble, because our parents always found out. But I will not forget what you did for me there. Or the time we were up in Brookings, and you saved a bunch of our asses from getting minors and you took one for the team and got yourself an open container. You were always someone that looked out for others, even if it meant you would get in trouble for us… A lot of my favorite memories with you include you and I having blue cans in our hands and not a care in the world… One of the dumbest things you ever taught me was to “Puke and Rally” – I did that in way too many occasions with you it seemed. But we made a pretty damn good drinking team…or a crew I should say. As we thought we were badasses and decided to call a bunch of us Pukwanians, the Pukwana Brew Crew. We had sweatshirts made and everything. Playing 7’s with you was probably one of my favorite things, people got so mad at you during that game because you always thought it was funny just to screw everyone else over in the game so they had to drink a shit ton. That game definitely will not be the same without you.  In everything you did, you were kind of a big deal.

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Brother, I am graduating early from SDSU, December of 2018. We talked about this a month ago, and you were proud of me, your actual response was “hell ya sista.” And you told me to be sure that I finish school, but it sucks that you won’t be there to see me walk across the stage at my graduation, or celebrate that achievement with me and tell me in person that you are proud of all I have done… Brother, You are the reason I am here right now…

You’re going to miss our Christmas picture, you’ll miss arguing with me during our Christmas celebrations, and you won’t be there to see mom and dad getting frustrated with us. You won’t be there to call me a smart ass, or tell me you love me.

-You’re going to miss my wedding day. You were always supposed to stand by me on that day! I told you I never had enough friends to make a wedding party, so we talked about how you would be by my side so I don’t look like a fool. I believe you will still be by my side when that day comes, but just not in the way I wish you were. – But still I want to thank you… thank you for getting Russ and I together, I will give you credit for us being together (even if you told everyone that you sold me for a penny to him…). Thank you allowing me to date one of your best friends. I am saddened and heartbroken that you won’t be there for us on our day in the future…

You are going to miss the birth of my children someday. You’re going to miss being the best uncle to those kids. You’re going to miss teaching those little shits so many things, like how to hunt, how to race, fix things and of course how to drink underage… My future kids are going to miss out on your humor… they are never going to meet their funny, sarcastic uncle, but you know damn well that I am going to tell them about you every chance I get.

What I miss right now, is the way things once were. The times you and I would just go out and have a good time together, laugh, fight and just be together the way a brotha and sista should.  You won’t be around to convince me to make you a grilled cheese because you “didn’t know how.” You were a pain in my ass, but I would do anything to be able to hear you yell at me, for you to punch me in the arm once more (you still have 36 punches left). I’d give anything to hear your laugh and see your smile. I would do anything to be able to hear one of your jokes again. You always knew how to make me laugh with your smart ass, sarcastic remarks. You could make anyone laugh, you always knew what to say.

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You helped me so much in the short lifetime we got together. You were always someone I could talk to about anything, you might have had a response I did not like, but you were ALWAYS there for me, and I am so so sorry I couldn’t be there for you the way you needed. You told me I was the one real person in your life, and I am sorry that you did not know how many people loved you, cared for you and wanted you here with us all…

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I don’t miss you yet, that hasn’t hit me yet… but when I think about you I catch myself tearing up every time, because I think about all we will miss together. The days seem to be getting harder, but I hope you are watching over me and still proud of your baby sista, and I hope you are looking out for me each day. I love you, and wish you were here.

Love,

Your baby sistaa

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